


5 questions

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Series: again we wander, we love, we separate again [4]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Future Fic, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Poetry, Stand Alone, flashbacks to earlier seasons, lex remembers, past to future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-15 04:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11223735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: Q:  what was it like to love him?A:  loving him was bloody lips and collapsing buildings --you can't save the world,  said with wavering confidenceI saved you didn't I,  doe eyed and lovesickif I'm the world and he's an apology then we're going down in flames





	5 questions

 

**i.**

 

**what was it like to love him?**

 

loving him was the river as it rises, two souls bound together with loose stitching --

 _tape down the gaps in the fabric sweetheart._ _we're going to be here awhile._

we measure the width of the stars while we wait 

_see: there's polaris and there's fate burning a hole through the ozone layer_

if we close our eyes she'll make a wish and I'll bite my tongue until it bleeds, thinking --

_you know I never cared for recycled promises_

 

loving him was make believe 

he wanted something more than muddy elbows and sleeping beauty 

and I wanted everything -- 

a room filled with white tulips then, a blazing fireplace as I drop to my knees and breathe forgiveness 

_come on, I've been waiting here for you_

 

loving him was bloody lips and collapsing buildings -- 

 _you can't save the world,_ said with wavering confidence 

 _I saved **you** didn't I,  _doe eyed and lovesick   

 

if I'm the world and he's an apology then we're going down in flames 

 

 _I'm sorry I couldn't save you,_ he says, soul bared for my clawing fingers and trembling chin

the world verges on collapsing in on itself as he walks away -- 

_I'm not so sure clark kent can save the world on his own._

I'm past redemption, thousands of miles from home and

...that used to be you 

_no, he can't._

 

loving him was expecting the world to stop spinning 

when I told myself he never loved me 

secrets

secrets

_secrets_

_~~I take it back, I take it all back~~  _ 

it was knowing -- 

_knowing_

fate had it out for us before I even knew him at all

* * *

 

  **ii.**

 

**_did he love you?_ **

_yes --_

_he loved me like the road less traveled_

_I posted so many warning signs and he turned a blind eye_

_he never listened to the naysayers, the hissed whispers of Luthor_

a road, a magic trick, look over here 

no, not there -- it's a surprise 

little white lies, I swallowed them like candy 

_'have you ever been in love, lex?'_

I thought I had, until pale green eyes and a dented bridge 

_'I've only loved two women, clark'_

omit his name, I should've said -- 

 _'you were the first'_ or 

_'two women, one You'_

but we were too complicated to be defined so effortlessly 

yes, he loved me

and I...

I adored him

* * *

 

**iii.**

 

**was it fate?**

a car crash in slow motion, murky water filling up emptiness and drowning in the fullness

a spiritual awakening and knowing with one press of lips, he was it -- fate, destiny, a hero with the sun's halo 

science dictates reality, not logical -- loving him was immeasurable but I tried: 

_'cassandra, seer, tell me about him. what is his fate? what did you see?'_

_(are we together in the future)_

you call him friend, she said, like she knew without touching, could see without sight 

_'he saved my life but he's a mystery'_

maybe I wanted a reason for his actions, an excuse to point the finger and demand to know why he cared when no one else ever had 

maybe a part of me needed to hear:  _'you're happy, you're enough, he never walks away'_

such a young and foolish heart, I never wanted anything,  anything, like I wanted him

 _your future_ , she said, _take my hand._ the last words she ever said were an unspoken choked warning but --

he was my destiny, we were the ill fated romeo and juliet reborn 

* * *

 

**iv.**

 

**what did you want?**

 

starlight and the smell of straw, a red couch and the way he said my name: 

_'lex...'_

hopeful and pure, breathing life into me with every exhale 

_'god, I thought you were dead'_

clark, I wish I could say I didn't die when you left without me but I left the best of me in you 

 

later, watch:

 

here is the nail biting finale where the hero becomes a human and the villain cries -- 

_'lex...you're alive'_

oh, how we love to play pretend -- surprise, I'm still crying over you -- surprise, I still fucking love you  

_'seems my father had a change of heart'_

half man, half sewed together pieces after I destroyed myself for you 

 

_**what did I want?** _

 

legends and flying men, the hero dusting off his boots and lips made for kissing  

fireworks and hammocks, atticus finch and black and white snapshots -- physical proof that he felt the same 

love, can't you see it, _I wanted love_

* * *

 

**v.**

 

**will you forgive him?**

 

the mind forgets, resets, recalibrates 

erase the barn, bloody lips and the kisses we hid behind castle walls 

banish the dragon and give the prince a princess that breathes fire -- parallels and the damsel in distress 

see her in a snow white gown as you give yourself to her, a future once promised, I loved you first

fast forward six years, remember him- 

the mind recognizes a boy: my sharp blue eyes and your dark hair, he glides through the air and gives you a hard time 

 

_'your other father, lex...'_

 

a flash of heat and light, christening castle bedrooms and pillow talk about conquers, agreeing to see other people but coming back to one another

I hear myself tearing up, saying:  _if our parents find out, clark, that would be the end of us. what about that lana girl?_

an echo, he replies:  _I already kind of care about her so...what about us though?_

voice belaying a lie:  _it's not like I'm asking you to sign away your future, clark. go after her, you know I'm not going anywhere_

I lied, okay? 

you don't have a monopoly on hiding the truth, you know. truth is: I wanted every second of your future: no secrets, no beautiful girls that would only use and abuse you. I wanted christmas morning and pine trees, a blazing fireplace and champagne, my arm around your waist, your hand on my shoulder -- 

a son, a chance to be the father I never had, your parents and his grandparents; everything the kent family ever embodied

just me. just you. 

 

_frustrated, relenting. 'you get your attitude from him, conner'_

_'I know, geez, you tell me all the time. now can I please borrow the car?'  _

_sighing, 'call me as you soon as you get there'_

_'you worry too much, dad'_

 

I know this man, I've saw him in fevered dreams and newspaper clippings. son, we have a child. that's right -- the lab, blood samples, hoping to keep clark in one manner or another. a flashback, loft window: 

_'it's a good thing we don't have to worry about lies in this relationship'_

pale green eyes...

 

clark kent, superman 

atticus finch 

 

clipped walking, don't be desperate.  _'I know you. we used to be friends in our youth'_

conner leaves, clark remains.  _'lex? you remember me?'_

_'I read about you in newspaper clippings and-'_

_'oh, of course mr. luthor'_

_' --you still say my name the same, you know. astonishment, hope. I imagined the dread, I suppose'_

_'...lex'_

_'you didn't always dress like this. mm, glasses?_

_(sigh)_

_I never thought I'd say this but I actually kind of miss the flannels'_

 

**will you forgive him?**

 

_'sorry about trying to kill you, clark'_

_'oh'_

blushing, stammering. _'no,_ _it's...it's fine. when did you...'_

_'remember you? approximately four months ago. memories are never truly lost, clark. the trick is to find your way back to them and it took awhile but I did. it's been, what, over six years?'_

_'six years, five months. lex, I'm sorry'_

_'clark, I forgave you years ago only I was a little slow on the up tick. apparently, everything that mattered was wiped. seems my sister took matters into her own hands'_

_'about that... I'm --'_

_'clark'_

 

**_will you forgive him?_ **

 

_'stop apologizing'_

 

(thumb stroking his cheek, green eyes fluttering. I love him, I love him, I love him) 

 

_'lex, can I? I want...I'd like to kiss you if that's-'_

_'wait. lois?'_

_'amicable divorce'_

_'i'm sorry'_

_'don't be. we're still friends'_

_'I-'_

_'lex?'_

_'mm?'_

_'shut up and come here'_

 

(there is no one for me but you. it's fate, it's destiny) 

 

_'I missed you, atticus'_

 

**(always)**

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> they *will* talk about conner soon and hash out the past (off page, unwritten), find a compromise with the whole superman fiasco --


End file.
